Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
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ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
pls suprot
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.