Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
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If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.