Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
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If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks