I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
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My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.