Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
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On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
#math
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Wikigenius
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend