It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
You Might Also Like
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I just tested negative for patience.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you