My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
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FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I didn’t come here to be called names
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you