Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
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‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.