She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
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Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.