“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
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I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”