me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
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roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
“i miss shittin on people”
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.