knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
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Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT