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The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
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ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*