Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
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Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Our lord and savoury.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
bought wrong eggs
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”