The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
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There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.