Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
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An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I need better friends
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!