kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
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Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Last-minute gift idea!
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Oops I deleted….
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.