[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
You Might Also Like
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
HR said no more nunchucks.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera