Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
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If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.