You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
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My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
War & Peace
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
PLOT TWIST:
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
dream blunt rotation
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?