Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
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me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Probably my best painting.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Growing up was a huge mistake
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down