As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
You Might Also Like
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Cannot stop laughing at this
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.