friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
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the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Extremely relatable.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.