Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
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“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.