“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
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I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.