Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
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Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I鈥檓 just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don鈥檛 stop i will
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
[costume shop]
Me: I鈥檇 like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 馃槀
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I鈥檒l never understand why we aren鈥檛 buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.