Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
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Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
A game married people play.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.