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You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
good for her
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
hmmm
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”