A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
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HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Why font matters.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination