[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
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Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2