The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
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Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Good morning.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.