A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
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cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
stand with me against insufficient seating
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!