The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
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Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.