How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
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My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
This is my brand.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Its a hippotatomus
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.