[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
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The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔