I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
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M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.