Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
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Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
can’t believe I got front row seats
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?