Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
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when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway