I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
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Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
so, is there a mister shapen head
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.