“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Any refunds available?…
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.