My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
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i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I need this for my side hustle.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me