AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
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i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
i meant to share this earlier
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…