Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
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Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.