The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
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A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Me trying to look natural in photos
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.