just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
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No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
the world’s most popular steaming services
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.