My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
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ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.