millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
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I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole