me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
You Might Also Like
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop