*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 馃槻
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
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A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it鈥檚 super awkward.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it鈥檚 beginning to look a lot like Christmas
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Me: It鈥檚 the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I鈥檝e asked you to stop saying that
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I鈥檒l do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Welcome to the stomach
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Me to my kids: don鈥檛 ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it鈥檚 chicken
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
my fianc茅 and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we鈥檙e going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don鈥檛 have kids
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she鈥檚 reading.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.