[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
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It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.